She hums

She’s art

She hums in whispers, a tune 

I’ve heard before, 

One my heart makes too.
She dances under the starry sky

In a little black tux, and smiles like the

Happiest memory.
Her electric blue tie, pretty hair tied

And a cigarette between her fingers

A vision that makes hearts throb.
Her tears, break hearts, little

Achy, breaky, hearts; but her heart is

Hidden beautiful at the sleeve.


There were eight pairs of shoes, six pairs on the shoe rack and two pairs on the floor. The six belonged to the six nurses who were inside, and the other two belonged to a man and a woman who were visiting an older man with a really white mustache and a bald head. There were one, two, and three, nurses standing at the nurse station. There was four and five reading the charts of their respective patients. And six was with us, she wasn’t mallu and had helped us from the door. I never found out six’s name, she was a dusky skinned, black haired, Kannadiga woman, in her mid twenties. The white uniform wasn’t very flattering on her, but she definitely could rock a saree I think. Her face is a vague memory, but I still remember the radiating warmth in her smile. Six helped us, me and my brothers father-in-law, in to green scrubs and some polythin based cover for our feet. This was at Rajashekar Hospital in JP Nagar, they are an okay institution overall but their standards of cleanliness and hygiene is so high makes me wonder if the owner had OCD.
I was finally getting to see ಅಣ್ಣ (anna) in two days and I didn’t know what to expect. He was rushed to the hospital by my sister-in-law (A) and uncle (S), his father (KK) on the other hand was of no help. He was being a pain by saying things like “they are my enemies and you aren’t supposed to ask them for help.” He was talking about my father, his younger brother. KK has a habit, history, and a future of throwing tantrums, picking fights, and things escalating. This time was no different, things escalated very quickly and he threatened to throw anna and his wife out, cut them off completely but just not financially. Anna couldn’t handle these tantrums and threats from his dad anymore, so he decided to take things to his own control, he tried to overdose on some pills; this is how he ended up in Rajashekar Hospitals ICU ward.
I walked towards anna’s bed in the ICU, six was walking with us, I was scared out of my mind, anxious, and freaking out. I stood next to his bed, he looked pale, skinnier, tired, and slowly gaining conscience. “Viji, Viji, can you here me?” His father-in-law tried to help him focus and open his eyes. He looked like he was trying very hard to open his eyes and when he did look at me and I don’t know what happened to me, I just started smiling. Weirdly enough he smiled back at me, even started laughing at me. Six just got super excited and asked me to talk to him more and get him to react more because this was the most reactions he’d displayed since he was admitted.
Later when he was better he asked me why I smiled at him in the ICU and I said, “You looked like a chinki.”

She’s everywhere

She’s everywhere: on my phone, in my photo gallery, my texts, my wall, my book shelf, my cupboard, my wrist, my lips, my heart and on my mind. I wanted to leave her behind, to go ahead but she’s everywhere. There traces of her smile, our laughter, hugs, memories, conversations, and empty coffee glasses scattered everywhere.
I’ve had an alternate life with her; we’ve spent a lot of time together; I haven’t been to places we often went to together, I don’t miss those places. I’m not scared of running into her, but of her walking away from me when I run into her somewhere there.
I dreamt of her on the first weekend since we stopped talking. We ran into each other and sorted the fight and hugged it out; but my instincts tell me this might be the end.
I’ve been avoiding her and the people from her life like the plague, because I may survive the plague but not her stone cold face or disgust.
I want enough courage to see her again, but I don’t know what it is going to be like after that, my biggest nightmare.




“Tell me one of your deep, dark secrets.
“Hmm, but there are so many people around us and I don’t want my secrets on public display. Well they are deep, dark secrets.”
“We’re stuck on this train for the next few hours and she’s going to be asleep and that is why we’re whispering.”
“She might be sleeping and well we do have to kill time on this train, so might as well. What kind of ‘deep, dark, secrets’ are you interested in?”
“Hmm. Anything…”
“Let’s do this, we’ll ask each other questions and see where this goes? Maybe some of these questions might lead us to deep, dark secrets. You can ask me the first question.”
“When did you realise I was trying to, you know, this?”
“Umm… You know… Well, yesterday when you sent me the text saying, you wanted me to sit next to you on the train, then.”
“Oh my god! You’re such a boy.”
“Technically, I am.”
“My turn, since when have you been, you know, this?”
“Umm… Last week, we were at that talk. We were writing notes to each other?”
“Oh, that place. Wow, wait, since then?”
“Yup. My turn, we’ve been playing this game ‘Fuck, marry, kill’ you need to pick one person from the group, for each of that.”
“Okay, I’ll play only if you will, ok?”
“You can pick only boys, no girls. And we’ll do another round where you pick only the girls.”
“No fair, then you have to do it to.”
“Umm… Okay I will, but you have to go first. Pick from the boys.”
“I’ll kill Z obviously, fuck Y and marry you.”
“Am I the husband you’re going to have in this country? I’m surprised you didn’t want to fuck M, because I thought something was happening there.”
“Ewww… M? What made you think of him?”
“Well the first week, I assumed there was something cooking there.”
“He’s too dumb and I like him in a weird older brother way.”
“What about K? He seems to love talking, maybe even flirt with you.”
“Have you seen him? I’ll probably break him.”
“I’ll marry you, fuck A and kill C.”
“I thought you liked C.”
“I do, just not right now.”
“Because she’s sitting next to us?”
“Good guessing Einstein.”
“So you think you’ll break him? What about me?”
“You don’t seem to be easily breakable, let’s hope looks aren’t deceiving.”



It was too real to be true, the pretty smile and brown eyes. I heard you for the first time, and I wish, I hadn’t.

Does the devil really hide behind a pretty face?

The ruffled, curly locks of metallic hair, and stubbles that don’t seem sharp and pokey. Your lips full and bright and shined healthy, your tongue harsher than sandpaper.
Your pretty nose rubbing all the wrong places.
You blinked and smiled only to bite, till you ran back into the woods, wagging your tail proudly.

New Years Eve 2001

New Years Eve 2001; my parents, sister and I lived with my Uncle (Dads older brother), aunt and their son and daughter who showed up for the holidays with her three year old son. It was going to be a damn good New Years Eve because my uncle and aunt were out on a vacation because my Uncle had just won the elections as a Councillor (member of the Municipality).

The family around my uncle behaved like students when the hostel warden is running his daily rounds. It was like we had to stand up every time he walked by and it didn’t matter if we were eating, we HAD to stand. His absence was a licence to party.

The dinner was something regular, but it was special because we got a cake! A really pretty cake and we took a picture of it on our aunt’s bed because it had a fancy spread. Then my dad made terrible mango chutney that lived in the fridge for a week.

So we did, it started with dress up and then the camera came in which is when we started to pose funny. We played loud music, turned down the lights to something not very bright and danced. We jumped up and down, kicked pillows and cushions and turned the entire house upside down.

This went on till my brother got a call (I think it was his girlfriend) wishing him a happy new year, that was when we realised we danced our way in to 2001.

We then put the cake on the gigantic marble topped dining table, on which my sister, nephew and I sat on. We lit the candles, and sang happy New Year to the happy birthday tune. Yes, we did that, and I was six, so it’s all right.

We then got around preparing food and things for a little picnic we had planned for the morning. We went to a temple that morning, finished offering prayers and as we walked out I held a lotus. We walked by a water body (I’m not sure if it was a dam or a lake) and I the great man slipped and feel into it! Yup I did.

My dad pulled me out and I was soaking wet, so I sat in the car in my underwear while the rest of clothes dried on the car and my family walked in the park.  The clothes dried, I got dressed and we left to find a nice spot under a big tree.

We sat under the canopy and opened the huge boxes of lunch and till my tummy said, “Stop eating you fool” in the grumpy, grumbling, noisy sound, and I did. Then I laid back, stared in to the sky and fell asleep.


I’m in the mood to dance and sing or write poetry. But I’m stuck at my table, next to a windy window. I want scream, shout and dance, but I’m stuck to my freaking chair.
I am listening to songs I like, doing things I don’t enjoy write now. I like a song about underwear, and then I listen to a carnatic song (devotional) by the rockstar M S Subalakshmi, whom I adore.
It’s confusing, because one minute I love you, the next I don’t, later I hate you and after that, I just think your pretty.
Then a gust of wind slowed down, the birds chirped and I stared outside the window. A little bird sat there, singing, not to its friends, not to the trees, not for the bees and butterflies, but to the pretty pretty Sky.
They told it was going to never happen, yet you smiled, we spoke, laughed and tried. Where this is going, I don’t know.
I listened to people talk. I care, I cared, I’ve cared and now I don’t anymore, at least I think I don’t.

Day 9: Walking

Introspection. Today’s plan was to spend  looking back because, a friend said all my writing hints about a past, like an elephant in the room.
So I have a past, dark and disturbing, everybody does. Everybody has a past, right ? I don’t want the past to haunt me anymore and I look for a future free from these shackles. I have spent too much time holding back or thinking about and never doing. This is it, I’m doing it now and I shall not look back at a past that could probably kill me. I will not listen to that sad voice in my head anymore.
I thought it’d be a good idea to  take a walk and I walked for ten minutes. I walked  to a closed colony that had parks and a swing. I don’t like to swing but the idea or picture of just sitting on a swing and thinking appeals to me. The park was full and the swings occupied, so I called three friends who live close by and all of them were busy, luckily or unluckily this turned into an opportunity to find comfort in being alone and remembering  that I’m not lonely.
A very sad picture, so I put my headphones on and continued to write on my phone and walked around. Now I think it ain’t so bad because these streets are filled with memories from when I was younger. I’ve walked here when I was sad, happy, excited or even.

So I’m gonna continue my walk and enjoy the smile filled with lights from innocence.