Losing it

“I wouldn’t be surprised,

In the middle of the night, to

Find Vinay watching me in my room. I’d just say

“Go home Vinay, it’s creepy.””

And she laughed loudly at me, then repeated it

To everyone around me.

We are… were friends, I tried many times to be


And not creepy.

“You’re so touchy!”

Yes, yes I’m touchy.

Because when you stand there mocking me,

Or joking about me or saying something to get a reaction from me and think

It’s “damn funny”

You are pushing me,

From the top, of my self-esteem, into a dark pit of anxiety.

I’m scared, if I stop being touchy

Then you’ll think, it’s okay to punch me;

Then I’ll be in high school again

Getting beaten up by the boys around me.

And I’ll be losing it.

I’m scared to go to high School reunions,

‘Cos my bully’s might want to throw a punch.

Or break my face,

Just for old time’s sake.

But I still met one, he convinced me

That maybe we could be friends, again

Like we used to be.

I met him in his car, we had a nice chat

And then he asked me

To blow him and I started crying.

I was losing it,

Every step into adulthood,

I forget who I am and end up in

My very own hell, inside my head.


It’s a park inside a huge living quarters, tall buildings, tree canopies and narrow or narrower roads make this a Labyrinth.
But living close to it for the last 12 years, I’ve been able to get myself out. There are 3 playgrounds and two of them have a pair of swings, see-saw and merry go rounds.
I have these random moments where

I want to sit on the swing and not swing.

Or I’d want to ice cream in the middle of the night and sometimes hot filter coffee or tea in the night.
I like to just sit on it, and talk to my friend (Manju) who is the only friend I like to go there with.

I have been there alone a few times and once with an ex girlfriend.

Its a really pretty and small space hiding amidst tall buildings.

This over the last few months is my happy place.