Losing it

“I wouldn’t be surprised,

In the middle of the night, to

Find Vinay watching me in my room. I’d just say

“Go home Vinay, it’s creepy.””

And she laughed loudly at me, then repeated it

To everyone around me.

We are… were friends, I tried many times to be

Friendly,

And not creepy.

“You’re so touchy!”

Yes, yes I’m touchy.

Because when you stand there mocking me,

Or joking about me or saying something to get a reaction from me and think

It’s “damn funny”

You are pushing me,

From the top, of my self-esteem, into a dark pit of anxiety.

I’m scared, if I stop being touchy

Then you’ll think, it’s okay to punch me;

Then I’ll be in high school again

Getting beaten up by the boys around me.

And I’ll be losing it.

I’m scared to go to high School reunions,

‘Cos my bully’s might want to throw a punch.

Or break my face,

Just for old time’s sake.

But I still met one, he convinced me

That maybe we could be friends, again

Like we used to be.

I met him in his car, we had a nice chat

And then he asked me

To blow him and I started crying.

I was losing it,

Every step into adulthood,

I forget who I am and end up in

My very own hell, inside my head.

You and I

Kiss Me.
Kiss Me, like you mean it.
Hold Me tight and never let me go.
This won’t last very long, I know.
But however long or short it lasts,
I want to love you.

Kiss me till you run out of breath.
Love me with all your heart.
Hold me like that last bit of hope.
Even if it’s an hour or a minute,
Just love me, like you mean it.

When it’s all over, my heart broken
And you’re walking away in the rain,
I promise to not hate.
I’ll love you, more than myself.

Mistake ?

1. Do I miss her ?
Yes.
2. Did I make a mistake?
Yes.
3. Did She make a mistake?
Yes.
4. Was She a good friend?
Yes.
5. Was I a good friend?
I don’t know.
6. Was this a perfect friendship/ relationship?
What’s a perfect relationship?
7. Did we discuss all the issues?
Maybe, sometimes.
8. Did she have to put up with me ?
Yes; even though her best friend wasn’t very fond of me.
9. Was I friends with her for sex/ money/ materialistic things ?
No.
10. What happened ?
I told her why I was feeling uncomfortable.

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Tumblr,

11. Did I say stupid things ?
Yes.
12. Did I get an opportunity to work my way through it ?
No.
13. Do I know why it hurts ?
No.
14. How much does it hurt on a scale of 10?
9.5
15. Do I want things back to the way they used to be?
I don’t know.
16. Has it been easy, rainbows and butterflies?
No; but what is?
17. Will her unblocking me on whatsapp, and us talking again make thing right ?
I wish I knew.
18.  Do I need to move on ?
?
19. ?

Her

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“Tell me one of your deep, dark secrets.
“Hmm, but there are so many people around us and I don’t want my secrets on public display. Well they are deep, dark secrets.”
“We’re stuck on this train for the next few hours and she’s going to be asleep and that is why we’re whispering.”
“She might be sleeping and well we do have to kill time on this train, so might as well. What kind of ‘deep, dark, secrets’ are you interested in?”
“Hmm. Anything…”
“Let’s do this, we’ll ask each other questions and see where this goes? Maybe some of these questions might lead us to deep, dark secrets. You can ask me the first question.”
“When did you realise I was trying to, you know, this?”
“Umm… You know… Well, yesterday when you sent me the text saying, you wanted me to sit next to you on the train, then.”
“Oh my god! You’re such a boy.”
“Technically, I am.”
“Wow.”
“My turn, since when have you been, you know, this?”
“Umm… Last week, we were at that talk. We were writing notes to each other?”
“Oh, that place. Wow, wait, since then?”
“Yup. My turn, we’ve been playing this game ‘Fuck, marry, kill’ you need to pick one person from the group, for each of that.”
“Okay, I’ll play only if you will, ok?”
“Okay”
“You can pick only boys, no girls. And we’ll do another round where you pick only the girls.”
“No fair, then you have to do it to.”
“Umm… Okay I will, but you have to go first. Pick from the boys.”
“I’ll kill Z obviously, fuck Y and marry you.”
“Am I the husband you’re going to have in this country? I’m surprised you didn’t want to fuck M, because I thought something was happening there.”
“Ewww… M? What made you think of him?”
“Well the first week, I assumed there was something cooking there.”
“He’s too dumb and I like him in a weird older brother way.”
“What about K? He seems to love talking, maybe even flirt with you.”
“Have you seen him? I’ll probably break him.”
“I’ll marry you, fuck A and kill C.”
“I thought you liked C.”
“I do, just not right now.”
“Because she’s sitting next to us?”
“Good guessing Einstein.”
“Hmm…”
“So you think you’ll break him? What about me?”
“You don’t seem to be easily breakable, let’s hope looks aren’t deceiving.”