Losing it

“I wouldn’t be surprised,

In the middle of the night, to

Find Vinay watching me in my room. I’d just say

“Go home Vinay, it’s creepy.””

And she laughed loudly at me, then repeated it

To everyone around me.

We are… were friends, I tried many times to be

Friendly,

And not creepy.

“You’re so touchy!”

Yes, yes I’m touchy.

Because when you stand there mocking me,

Or joking about me or saying something to get a reaction from me and think

It’s “damn funny”

You are pushing me,

From the top, of my self-esteem, into a dark pit of anxiety.

I’m scared, if I stop being touchy

Then you’ll think, it’s okay to punch me;

Then I’ll be in high school again

Getting beaten up by the boys around me.

And I’ll be losing it.

I’m scared to go to high School reunions,

‘Cos my bully’s might want to throw a punch.

Or break my face,

Just for old time’s sake.

But I still met one, he convinced me

That maybe we could be friends, again

Like we used to be.

I met him in his car, we had a nice chat

And then he asked me

To blow him and I started crying.

I was losing it,

Every step into adulthood,

I forget who I am and end up in

My very own hell, inside my head.

Movies and ranting

Everytime I’m having a bad day, week or whatever, I just binge on food and movies or TV shows. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favourite movie to watch.
The song “Sing me to Sleep” by the Smiths, is Charlie’s (Logan Lerman) favourite song. The movie is a good distraction, very absorbing and easy to lose myself in, I think.
It’s a bloody depressing book and movie and I love it. They seem to help me feel better – movies – and then it’s a better world, till I feel shitty again.
Charlie is stoned, and tells Sam about his bestfriend shooting himself and runs into Brad and Patrick making out. I want to be as baked as Charlie and drink a milkshake. I’m craving a milkshake; pista milkshake and a cheese grill sandwich. I love sipping the milkshake between each bit of the cheese grill and it tastes like happiness. One of those things I do to feel better; like going to the swing at a park close by or eating an icecream sundae at midnight.
I also have a bunch of things to do when in a bad or sad mood; lock myself in my room with TV shows or movies, eat a lot of junk food or stop being social. It’s easy, especially when numbness is what the body and soul feels like.
When I reached out there was help; I felt better then and I got addicted and dependent on that. I slipped from one hole to fall into another…
There is so much love out there; I feel so fucked up and just want to stop feeling that way but this love should teach me to love myself, which I don’t seem to be able to learn. When I tap into  this love, I get addicted; it makes me crave for it so much that I forget everything else.
I feel shut down, numb. No emotions and feelings seem to bother me, I just seem to crave attention and it’s pissing off that I don’t know how to control it or change that about me. I don’t even know what to do or feel and where I’m going with this life.
Melodrama comes back and Charlie is high on LSD, realises his aunt touched him inappropriately. Shitty, but he decides to not think about it and it gets worse.
Wow, I make it sound like such a shitty movie; I need to be shot.
Like movies do, it ends in a better place I guess. Bull shit.

Talk

It’s difficult for me to talk about crying, feeling gloomy, moody, blue or just sad or off. To hide behind the tears or behind the mask I broke years ago.

I’m sad it’s over, but the truth is I never liked it.

I feel like I’m back on square one, and the experience isn’t helping. I wanna talk, but I am scared. Scared that I’m a burden or weight and sometimes I just don’t trust some of them.

I feel like a shadow in a dark room

and tears keep me company. Brown eyes and metallic black hair will haunt me.