I’ll try

He told me I should write. That I need to write. He also told me that Babasaheb Ambedkar was in Columbia University when he was 19 (internet says 22) and we are here in UoH; shouldn’t this be easier?

M and I sat across each other and spoke for almost two hours, he offered me a cigarette twice and had to tell him that I really didn’t smoke cigarettes. Then we spoke about caste, the university, more about Caste, again about the university and then of politics in Karnataka because the election would be on May 16th (2018). In between he asked me what I planned to do after this and then we spoke about family, Caste, University and how UoH has been for me.

I was always happy with my answer on what I plan to do, get my masters and go back to Bangalore. I was absolutely sure I’d get the job of an English teacher, somewhere in Bangalore. I am sure of my competence; I’d struggle and hate doing my masters and my baseless confidence but I’d still do it anyway. (I just paused to count the number of I’s I’ve typed so far. Too many.) Then after the year I would have figured out my situation over working for a PhD and if a University abroad would consider my candidature or if I’ve gotten JRF maybe I could work with a few probable colleges (JNU/ JU/ EFLU) if I get into their PhD programmes.

A lot of if’s but it was a very sound plan and I was happy with it and happy repeating it over and over again. But I don’t know if that’s what I want to do, I still want to teach but I don’t feel like that’s enough.

Six months after writing this I’m sure I’ll make a good teacher but my lack of effort and preparedness for class and the terrible anxiety over how I may not get the job and so much more is happening but I will hold on to my dream and fight it. I’m sure teaching is going to be hard and I’ll regret that decision a lot but it’s a decision I’ve made and I’m absolutely sure I will live through it. Especially since MA by itself has been so traumatic I’m very happy with myself for believing I’m going to make it out alive.

Also, drop a link to your favourite song in comments if you read this. ❤


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