To be

I gobbled down every happy memory that was tangible or ever mine. I listened to music that could cheer me up even on my worst day. I held back every tear and choked down on the sob that was knotting in my throat. I was scared to yawn , “what if” somebody catches a glimpse of the knot I’m hiding. But I yawned anyway. Yawned as much as I could behind the covers of my hand and wiped my tears and managed not to spill it on the book. The notebook had notes from class and a lazy effort to start studying that went nowhere and I probably will end up failing. In the end failure is inevitable truth and it is what my pathetic, sorry, and lazy self feels.

And here, like every effort to sound neutral and not make myself seem like a Hero or a Victim, I’ve failed. Failed miserably to be neutral of my own image and to look at life as neither a glorified battle nor a mundane routine of the inevitable daily and then death. An impossible moment, so many, many things and it’s also nothing.

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