ಮನೆ (Mane) // Home

Trigger Warnings: Depressed

Leaving home is something I’ll never get used to and I don’t get why! I have always wanted to get out and go see the world but each experience only makes me grow fonder of home. Home is not that physical building which we’ve changed more frequently than the Karnataka state government. It’s not just my family, it’s the city both physically and emotionally, it’s the streets I’ve traveled in for days, months, years and even decades. I have a character for the city based on my memories, experiences and the people who are a part of it.

Each time I leave, the heart only grows heavier even though I tell myself I’ll take in enough to last the semester but there’s never enough to get me to the railway station or airport and let alone the journey or semester. It’s a challenge. Somehow everything feels colder than it is and I’m sadder than I already was at home.

I didn’t understand this but now it just seems to be my fear of change and how I’d prefer a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. Am I a scared to change, frightful and sad loner? But I just feel sad and it’s the most easy and default feeling I could muster.

I remember blogging as a default part of my dark days so it’s very hard to be here when I’m bright and cheerful.

I can’t believe I’m sad again. I don’t want to be but it’s not like I have much of a choice or circumstance. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long and that’s what’s uni has been helpful with, distraction. I haven’t sorted my issues or problems, I’ve just run from them and that’s okay. I am not obligated to sit in my personal pit of self pity and mope. I used and I didn’t know how to not, now I know how to get out but I can’t leave till I fulfil the purpose of my visit. To feel sad, to accept it and then get the hell out.

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