Ranting away to glory

I feel like terrible company, all I seem to talk about is either myself or all my problems and how shitty life is; no wonder people run from me. I’d probably run from me if that was possible.

How do I make myself better company?
Do I want to be better company?
Do I care enough?
Should I even care?
Why should I care?
Why shouldn’t I care?
Should I “try/choose” to be happy?

If I could stop being angry, depressed, or control the urge to want to cut or kill myself, I’d do it. If could choose to be happy, satisfied, and content in life, I would. I can’t wake up one “perfectly” fine day, and say “I’m done being depressed, now I’m always going to be happy, will smile a lot and think of rainbows and puppies.” I’m either going to end up as road kill or drive myself to insanity. Death, or something far worse seem to be an inevitable future if I force myself to be happy.

Emotions and feeling seem to be based on the hormones the brain is releasing and secreting, if anybody could just pick to be happy over being depressed, everyone would probably pick to honestly and truly happy. It really isn’t as simple as picking a bag of chips at the super market, or from a vendor on the street.

Am I changing myself for someone else?
Should I Even?
Why should I?
Why shouldn’t I?
Sound like a teenager ranting.
What’s wrong in sounding that way?
Why are teenagers stereotyped to be the only ones ranting?
Stereotypes exist for a reason right?

My bill was here, paid for my coffee and chicken patty, at Koshys. I want Koshys to be the place I can come and be alone at, for some odd reason I feel like I don’t have to care about the world around me here. I’m all alone in a world, where it isn’t depressing to be sitting alone. I guess Koshys is to me like what Starbucks is for a lot of blogger’s in the US, who sit there to get through the evening.
But Koshys seems a little more than that, I have made myself believe that I can’t be sad in here because it’s illegal or some such nonsense. I guess it’s kinda nice, I’ve had just one bad day here and a bunch of super cool ones therefore I’ve decided this is my happy place. It’s not the happy place I imagine when I close my eyes but its that physical space where I can be not bothered about the world, or just enjoy a cup of not the best coffee in the city with myself.
It’s probably the only -maybe- public place where I can have some me time to feel good about myself and have more than 6 hours of undisturbed sleep. I couldn’t have written xyz words at home so quickly, after editing it might not be so many words, but to get to these many words has become difficult. Then again my reading isn’t been great and now I’m conscious that I talk too much about myself. Well I should head, gotta long day tomorrow.


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