Movies and ranting

Everytime I’m having a bad day, week or whatever, I just binge on food and movies or TV shows. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favourite movie to watch.
The song “Sing me to Sleep” by the Smiths, is Charlie’s (Logan Lerman) favourite song. The movie is a good distraction, very absorbing and easy to lose myself in, I think.
It’s a bloody depressing book and movie and I love it. They seem to help me feel better – movies – and then it’s a better world, till I feel shitty again.
Charlie is stoned, and tells Sam about his bestfriend shooting himself and runs into Brad and Patrick making out. I want to be as baked as Charlie and drink a milkshake. I’m craving a milkshake; pista milkshake and a cheese grill sandwich. I love sipping the milkshake between each bit of the cheese grill and it tastes like happiness. One of those things I do to feel better; like going to the swing at a park close by or eating an icecream sundae at midnight.
I also have a bunch of things to do when in a bad or sad mood; lock myself in my room with TV shows or movies, eat a lot of junk food or stop being social. It’s easy, especially when numbness is what the body and soul feels like.
When I reached out there was help; I felt better then and I got addicted and dependent on that. I slipped from one hole to fall into another…
There is so much love out there; I feel so fucked up and just want to stop feeling that way but this love should teach me to love myself, which I don’t seem to be able to learn. When I tap into  this love, I get addicted; it makes me crave for it so much that I forget everything else.
I feel shut down, numb. No emotions and feelings seem to bother me, I just seem to crave attention and it’s pissing off that I don’t know how to control it or change that about me. I don’t even know what to do or feel and where I’m going with this life.
Melodrama comes back and Charlie is high on LSD, realises his aunt touched him inappropriately. Shitty, but he decides to not think about it and it gets worse.
Wow, I make it sound like such a shitty movie; I need to be shot.
Like movies do, it ends in a better place I guess. Bull shit.


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