Am I flicking it wrong?

I can’t remember why we’re fighting. The yelling makes me want to cry but I don’t want to anymore; it doesn’t feel real.
I haven’t been able to feel anything or I’m choosing not to; honestly, I don’t remember. My memory being fucked up is finally coming in handy.
I crib, complain, and indulge in melodramatic, attention seeking, shit; stupid, silly twenty one year old nonsense- all of that an excuse to justify my behavior. I don’t know what happened, don’t know why there was an argument.
I only felt frustrated that nothing seemed to register in my head; except for the mind numbing headache -that was killing- my grey cells.
I’m in a hole of self pity. Constantly cribbing and complaining, can’t stand being alone with my thoughts; it scares the shit out of me. I slide out of fights (verbal, mostly) by saying I’m fucked up; like that’s an excuse.
I can’t figure a way out of my troubles or simply my thoughts. Just going around in circles till I don’t have the strength to take another step, because then I don’t have to worry about doing anything stupid.
There is a humming in my head, cut cut cut cut… It’s a very annoying alarm that won’t shut up, atleast till I do what it says; I think.
I want to down that little bottle of rum hidden in a corner under a lot of crap; then get a blade and start slicing.
*Slice slice slice*
Or take those pills in my drawer, down it and see what happens. The headache might stop, I might start feeling again or everything could stop for good; both sound really good.
I could never convince myself to take that last step. The number of  times I’ve thrown a scarf or something like that around a fan to make a noose for myself. Each time the image of my brother hanging from the noose or his wife or the stories of our older brother hanging from a noose flood into my haed. I guess it runs in the family -hanging from a noose- Gawd.
*So much Meleodram*
Every time something goes wrong in life, I keep going back to my brothers death, or that I was touched inappropriately, or I have issues or that I don’t have something or some shit.
It’s tiring; I really want to stop being tired, exhausted and stressed from all of this. But saying it, is not as simple as doing; it’s FUCKING frustrating. Gawd there is only ranting I do, like every fucking day.
Beautiful day, butterflies, Sunshine and pretty clouds; come back home and I feel shitty. I feel terrible, fucking terrible. I want to cry, break something, hit something and hurt myself or JUST DO SOMETHING.
“Ha ha ha, everyday you act happy and then go home and cry about something…”
“What are you going to cry about Tonight?” Laughs hard and thinks it’s funny.
Does he realise it’s not okay? Is it that easy to just stop being sad, just stop feeling things. I’m constantly told I’m in a hole, but I don’t see a damn hole.
Am I doing something wrong? Is it easy to just stop, like I flick my fingers and everything just stops.
*Flicks fingers*
Am I flicking it wrong?


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