“I just want attention.”
I thought it would feel different, to say it out loud. I was hoping I’d have an epiphany and all my problems would go away with a “puff” (sound). I just had to say the words and Magic, “voilà” its all gone.
I realised that there was a problem and tackled it in a way that wouldn’t physically harm people around me and or even myself (Jump from one person to another and don’t get attached or emotional). But my friend pointed it out that in the process I was hurting myself on the inside and I’d tip myself over considering how vulnerable I am, it annoyed me. But I didn’t understand why.
A lot of things were said, it hurt a lot and I wanted leave then, because my eyes got moist. But something told me to stay and I listened to it, I heard everything he said. I processed it, “you don’t have to act cool with us, we know you aren’t”, laughs and “we also are not cool”, he said as the cigarettes he smoked crossed my face and I continued to dodged the smoke. A hard save, but not good enough to get away from the smoke.
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to. It might seem like a nice thing but its going to hurt you.” A small exchange of nods, she tells him to stop and he dives in for a save with, “You are in a delicate place, and stress on any side can break you.”
The pungent beer was up my nose, she made eye contact and he abruptly but smartly ended it and moved on toba topic.
Her, “I told You all that, your reaction was ‘wow’, X had more to say about it than you. And you complained that I’m replacing you with x.”
“Some people have real problems. And you crib about little things.” He was now telling me my problems were smaller than other people’s problems.
Him, “slow down on the cigarettes, how many are you going to smoke.”
Her, “you know sometimes I come to college just to smoke…”
Conversation about where he asked I bought her, I say same place I bought him and that atleast she was worth the money even if she was more expensive than him.
*laughs, smiles, Stares, glances and hums*
*beer sipping, cigarette puffing and munching on cheesey fries*
I sat there quietly, let the tears burn inside and a few minutes later I was in a better mood and asked him to complete his thought, because I wanted to hear it.
The conversation furthured and she asked, “what do you want to hear or know ? It shouldn’t matter what he says, its his opinion and didn’t you tell me you want friends who’d be honest with you and not keep things from you?”
Him,”tell me what you want me to say ? Should I tell you, your awesome? That you are very cool ? Is that it ? Will that help you feel better?”
All this went down when I told him,”say it. You’ve got me all figured out and know me the best. Go on, tell me yoor opinion.” He says it was an observation from what I’ve said and he’s seen. Somehow he picks a fight and does he not see how much distress he’s causing?
Or am I just a terrible person?
He’s angry that I dislike people. I don’t like people, he gets to hear about it because he asks. All he has to do is not ask and that’s the end.
I don’t hate him or her, I love her. She’s the best thing that happened to me when I was in the worst place or time of my life. He is one of the few guys I don’t feel like I’m tolerating, I actually like him.
I know these relationships may not last forever. I’ve spoken about it with both of them and decided to enjoy the present with them and not worry about a future I have no control over.
“I just want attention.”